Chill Pill

What proceeds my suddenly remembering to take a pill? These are Klonopin (nerve-soothers) and I take three a day but never like a part of my ablutions, never because I've looked at the clock. So, I always find it half-ways kinda funny when suddenly it hits me: take a pill.

Some thinking makes it so. Some ruminating; maybe if you saw me you'd note I was starting to glower. Those two horizontal lines that knit, are knitted I suppose. Just now I turned on the air conditioner, by the way. A minute before that, I wasn't aware of any need to. It feels much better in here now. The Klonopin takes 45 minutes, or never. I say "never" because there's no click! and I'm calm.

The woman I'm seeing now, we've been through a lot together. I forget what had just happened but I remember well, opening an aspirin bottle and after palming two, naturally offering her a couple, which she took. We laughed. Things frequently go south here, but that is the only time I've shared aspirin with anyone.

Last night I took a quarter dose of a Seroquel. Only afterwards did I recall that's sort of traditional with me, when a new house-mate is voted into our Sober House. (By the way, turning the temperature down here has just improved my mood five-fold and I'm damn near listening to some music and writing to some friends. Maybe family!) Seroquel, I've discovered, not only puts me to sleep but makes me sort of a character the next day. A glad-hander, "how's every little thing, Mrs. Pringlehoffer, my my it's good we're having this rain", and a vocal contrarian, "here here my good fellow I implore you, walk in Mrs. Pringlehoffer's shoes before you pass judgement. That goes for all of you."

I like to be friendly to any new wrecks moving in here, since it takes a lot of willfulness to cover up this bubbling hatred for the humbled, shuffling, criminal alcoholic. We are really some god-awful people--- forgive me Jesus, but Jesus!--- it's hard to fathom but quickly evident that some are sicker than others.

It just occurred to me that I haven't voted "aye" for any newcomer here in six months, and that fellow was deaf and dumb (not mute, dumb...and good naturedly so). Plus he had a gorgeous sister who liked to visit.

I don't want to live alone, I don't want to live alone even as a couple, but I am so tired of this six-man house. They asked me this time: why did I vote no? After a 45 minute interview, what was it that turned me against the fellow?

I said, too many tattoos. If they'd asked me to elaborate I'd have confessed my suspicion that one of his dreams is to have his own personal attack-dog.

I remember now, what reminded me to take my pill. It was the sound of water running, or rather the THOOMP when it was shut off.

I am never myself anymore. Sometimes it feels like I was never myself even once.