Chapter 4 I'm evicted

chpt 1: Third floor (5 days)
chpt 2: long term treatment (four months)
chpt 3: Oxford House (28 months)

dashing this off in numb denial and even shock...I've been democratically evicted from the Oxford House tonight.

After being drawn into a whirl-a-gig of politics, and an amazing meeting that had four outside witnesses, two of whom bought into the shared, foggy misapprehensions and rumors I was not allowed to correct ("You're hijacking the meeting" someone said when I tried to defend myself against a hundred charges from the tramp-steamer, from over almost 2.5 years. ) I refused to admit to specific charges simply because they were untrue...but they all took this in the abstract, that I was refusing to acknowlege my "role" in anything that has happened.

Some wanted me to be shown mercy but said after I denied "everything" (such specific charges, creating such a terrible impression of me before strangers) they knew I wasn't 'truly in recovery'.

I could only use the Mugger/mugged analogy. Chunk invaded my room, kept me cornered, and threatened me. But why, John? Why? Tell us your part.

Steamer went so far as to say I am of no value to this house. (me, the treasurer, Chapter secretary, chauffer...) Other people being late on rent was irrelevant.

Our standard house policies about late rent were this night declared null and void.

It was as I say jaw dropping and when the vote was cast people were ashen faced.

To sum up: I don't pay my rent (I am a month late, two weeks shy of the 'legal limit' and I told them I would pay Monday); I don't do my chores (twice in two years I forgot, and I promptly paid 40 bucks in fines but never mind), and I am not "living in recovery" though I go to more than seven meetings a week on average and am well respected at the club.

G.N.N. is aghast, (Chunk wasn't sanctioned or charged with anything at all). Only before her am I feeling ashamed, and that's for being reckless.

I wasn't going to call a meeting after he invaded my room. It was a surprise any meeting was called at all.

They said , though, that I'd simply been plotting to have an innocent person kicked out. And that I'd tried to do this before (true, except they weren't innocent, they were disruptive, angry, aggresive people).

I think I'll be up all night here (i have til tomorrow to leave with personal effects, til Sunday to move my stuff into the storage room here). I may quietly go over to my Good Night Nurse's at 3 a.m. to sleep on the couch, but only because I can't sit still now after I've packed.

As a drama KING, mind you, part of me is elated. IN reality, I am having ten minute contractions of fear. My mother, how will I keep her from knowing before i land on my feet, how will i land on my feet without her help?

I should have said what they wanted to hear: that I was guilty and remorseful. I didn't and that's this. When they asked what "solution" I could bring to this house problem, I should have recited back to them exactly what I'm doing: pay my rent, and get Chunk back in prison before he kills someone.
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Now I will apply to another Oxford House and hopefully my new reputation, slandered so tonight, won't proceed me.