Wall Follower

So queer this morning.

I was in a self-talk /committee dream, where we'd all come to some morale boosting consensus to cooperate together, me myself and I and numerous demons, and then my cellphone alarm clock went off.

So it was like: here's the test right now. Who's going to get the phone, then?

I knew immediately this was going to be embarrassing and I didn't want to allow that. Eyes would dart, faces would fall or turn red. A cynic would grin and enjoy the discomfort.

Time to live up to our new group-loyalty!

I decided I'd get it myself.

Atta Boy John, that's the spirit, they said. Decisive action. No waiting for someone else to do it.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Then I was like, fuck, it's always me. Always, always. And then I was alone. Everyone dispersed to their pleasures. Back to sleep I suppose.
_______
My bitterness lifted quickly after a short prayer as I sat up in bed in the dark.

I have to stop my mind leaping ahead to the day's petty, irksome errands that would follow work, like having to go to the grocery or pharmacy. And when would there be rest and peace. Not for several days.

It's been a cool, wet summer. May didn't take place. August was like early May without the promise. Now, for the first time in three weeks I could sit outside on the deck before the sun rose and be comfortably warm, so smoke and reflect.

Thinking of Patricia mostly, Dee and Nick, and my brother David with his Mastocytosis and daily interferon...

Lord guide me, remove these defects I created and exasperated for 25 years, drinking to stay ahead of a hangover...This isn't my world, other people's problems are far greater. Give me the obvious opportunities, I need for them to be obvious you know, let me know what I can do for someone to make their day easier and mine more meaningful.