Last Summer on the rocks

The Eclipse, a long term residential treatment center for 'dual diagnosis' addicts and alcoholics with psychiatric problems.

"I can start to think there's nothing to tell anyone anymore, and then I'll start to wonder what had meaning before, in the first place, ever."

deadly swirl of gin
clear liquid
odd, beautiful, petroleum-like
pollution on water;
Hold the glass to the light
know yourself

If I had kids, I bet they'd be the boss of me.

Let's see, by the end of September, and my three month chip, they've scratched the surface and my insides went like book pages on a picnic table.

I thought, 'wow, nervous breakdown, what was my back-up plan this time. I must have had a back up plan when I moved into this precariousness, it would be almost haha funny if I didn't, ---and say! I'm not hearing from any of my friends or family much, what the devil, hahaha, jesus christ really wouldn't this be funny if it was serious, haha, it better not be! Pray without ceasing this better not be for real, they're not serious are they? But surely I have an escape hatch, someplace to withdraw, some compromise to make'...

It took four or five months, and my eviction from the Eclipse, for the desire to drink and die to leave me. Thanks goes to my sponsor Corvus, that he had me use the Alcoholics Anonymous basic text, with a fundementalist approach to the 12 steps of recovery.

I love the "promises" of 12 step recovery. My favorite is "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."

Best Friend, Fred Lee. Middle August, an afternoon.

"I'm gonna take me a nap."

"I'm gonna sit here in gloom."

Nodding toward Skizzits. Fred Lee notes, "He talks."

"You understand him?" I finally ask. Always wondered.

"No. Do you?" Fred Lee stands and pats his naked buddah.

"Not much."

"I don wan be rude but he talk the same shit aw the time."