letter into the ether

i was praying/ meditating/listening, whatever, and the question came to me what do I think the world's disposition should be to me? My quick answer to that was that I should be in jail or at least in some public shame. Then I asked what would I want the world's disposition to be, to me?

And the answer was simple: I want my world more heavily populated with cheerful extroverts, coming in and going out of my house, mostly in the form of young pretty women. Who aren't all feather brained, but only some of them feather brained. I want to be drawn out and made intelligent by more interaction with healthy outgoing people, in short.

Then I thought, this is what the internet is allowing all of us: we're better able to find one another, and (as to material things) to match needs with surplus. For instance here in town there is a web site called "free cycle" where you can find all sorts of great things, even laptop computers, that are headed for the trash but can be had if you just call the person's phone number and ask. (Maybe it will cost a little for a lap top but most things are free).

But then I thought how in the golden days we had to work harder , and we had to adjust , and the guiding philosophy was to be in this world but not of it. This way, you were stuck with your family and your neighbors and you would hopefully see what was wonderful about them, to the point where the concept of "loyalty" was not only natural but fierce! And of course we had to work to have the simplest pleasures. BUT we know that food and drink and warmth and shelter were so much better appreciated after we'd worked to earn them.

So are we becoming unraveled, having it too easy in this modern age? I know that I , for one, am very sloth-like, and easily aggravated, and ungrateful at times. I don't even use the internet to seek out new friends , as i once did, many years ago. I have good friends, and the internet lets me keep in touch with them, very close touch with our words anyway. It's funny how I don't ever use the internet to set up personal meetings. I don't use it to invite people to come sit on my front porch, it is the front porch, which is kind of sad. Work is where you get to know people. And for me, the club.

We all know that a little disaster is sometimes in order for us to appreciate what we have. Also that asceticism is good for the appetite, and makes us enjoy our pleasures ten times more. Maybe the answer is to swing back and forth between the monastery and the orgy, or , say, ...work and vacation!...Or, how about just living from Sunday to Monday? That's a pretty good range, mostly on the self-denial side.

How happy I was to have made it to work yesterday, and how happy to get home.

The electricity is still in jeopardy, (more and more so until monday). I know, on some level, I would enjoy losing it, because I would find a way out of my routine here. I'd end up opening and reading a book for one thing! And no doubt this house would eventually have a spontaneous meeting either in the kitchen or living room, maybe with house guests, just for laughs and storytelling.

Whenever you start to think about life, it always come down to balances, doesn't it, and perspective and "it's all relative". And thinking all this doesn't settle my emotions. Philosophy is useless.

I do have to shake my fist, (but not at god) that I dont' have more of the sort of people I enjoy in my life. I could be more outgoing myself, I could make myself more attractive to people by being more generous with my time. I still deny that I've ever thought the world unfair to me, or that i''ve suffered any unusual injustice. I'm supposedly full of "resentments" according to AA. Actually, I just have a tetchiness that comes from being fearful of people. The people I wish were like in some of my favorite dreams, just coming in and out of the house, totally at home, friendly, teasing, mostly female (ok ok ok but it's not about sex really, just, eh, gender. )

I wish every man in this house had a cheerful girlfriend and we all knew one another well enough to have ongoing laughter, story-telling, etc. But as it happens, what girlfriends there are here in this house are mostly dour, shy, or just plain unappealing in their personalities. I remember at Daybreak, it was usually so. ONly occasionally would that house be populated with three or four sprites at a time. Same at the bookstores! Same everywhere, whether I was in the North or South.

It's all got a lot to do with me not being myself, me not going into my own default, unappealing, unwelcoming persona. God helps those who help themselves...If I was an atheist I'd scoff, of course! "Go ahead , believe that! I bet it works, helping yourself!"

anyway, it all still comes down to changing what you can , and that is mostly about yourself, and to me it has to be through prayer. Something like suggested in AA: please remove my shortcomings, release me from this selfishness, etc. so I can do your will, not mine.

and do you know , I think his will is for us to grow, and you can't grow without being very deliberate, forcing yourself to be contrary to your own world-molded nature/personality.

then of course you can drink or take drugs too. That is like setting off an explosion, and when things are very very bad, the change is welcome and all sorts of new people are allowed in your life. Only, they're not the sort you want either. Look where I am. Even though i'm in the recovery movement, most of these people are just as sick as ever. As sick as whatever was wrong, that made them drink to begin with...